Flashback

Today's Quote: "Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire." ~ François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

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Lesson Learned: The body remembers.

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Woke up this morning curled up and wrapped around my cell phone. The fact that I sleep with my cell phone is not unusual - I am on call and first line of escalation at work - but I don't normally sleep wrapped around it, with it held tight against my heart. But I recognize this symptom - and I'm sure every wife of a deployed military man does, too - the phone becomes your connection to your man - and for the length of the deployment, you it will go everywhere with you. And it will not just go to the store with you, or sit on your night stand. It will sit on the sink while you wash dishes, follow you into the ladies' room, watch you bathe, and pull weeds in the garden with you (pulling weeds is good therapy, by the way)... So, I guess, my body decided in the night some time, that This Is The Beginning. I had forgotten this feeling of waking up wrapped around my cell phone - but when I woke this morning, it was all too familiar. It's been 5 years since DH was in Iraq - but my body remembered what to do, even though I had forgotten.

If nothing else gets paid on time, the cell phone will.

Books to Read... or not.

Today's Quote: "All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." -Galileo Galilei

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Lesson Learned: I wish I were an "ignorance is bliss" person.

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Sleep has eluded me on many accounts this week. The upside is that I have read several books. Two of which, although very different, concern our military and wars in the Middle East.

The first book I read is Soft Spots by Cliff Van Winkle. It is mesmerising, well written and raw. I could not put it down - I read it in one sitting, it had such a hold on me. Do not read it if you have a loved one either deployed or about to deploy "down range." It will tear your heart out and make you fear things other than IEDs and sniper bullets.

The second is I Love A Man In Uniform:A Memoir of Love, War, and Other Battles. Not your ordinary Amy Officer's Wife. Plain-spoken, sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, often blunt and occasionally graphic. It wasn't all all what I expected, but was a good read, none the less. And from my very limited Army Wife perspective, it rings true.

Neither of these are children's books. They are both well above the PG13 level. You need a strong gut, and tough heart and an affinity for four letter words to not be offended by them. But if you can get beyond that, then there are two powerful stories of broken souls and how they successfully clawed their way to some kind of peace with themselves and their maker. Like a memoir of a drug addict that I read some time ago (A Million Little Pieces by James Frey), they are not for the feint of heart. If you can stomach the delivery method, there is much to learn from all three of these books about life on the bleeding edge. and the courage of those who survive to deal with the fall out.

White Knights and Cowboys

Today's Quote: "In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."-Hans Nouwens

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Lesson Learned: Maybe it was destiny.

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The Cowboy In Me
Recorded by Tim McGraw

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess thats just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face thats in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all

When I was a very little girl, my Mom taught us the US Marine Corps Hymn. When I was a bit older, we saw the USMC band, live and in person. When I learned to drive, I would meet her for lunch at the base where she worked (as a civilian) and would watch the young Marines in their red shorts running around together singing cadence. In between times, again, starting pretty young, I dreamed of farms and ranches and horses and cowboys and the open range. Maybe I watched too many John Wayne westerns. As a young woman, I moved to cowboy country and attended rodeos. I listened to country music. And found me a pickup truck driving, young Marine to sweep me off my feet. The last of the Templar Knights. And after 20 years, now he rides with the Army Cavalry. Could one have predicted?

Time for Good-Bye for a while

Today's Quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."- Mark Twain

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Lesson Learned: The newspapers don't tell the whole story.

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(I know this entry is out of order, but I wanted to make sure that sufficient time had passed so as not to let on exactly when the soldiers were on the road. It's kind of frustrating to not say things when they are happening, because I am so proud of my DH and his unit and I want to shout it to the world. But I'd rather be paranoid and safe, than sorry.)

The newspapers wrote that the soldiers were all sharp and good looking at the ceremonies: our State's Finest Young Men. The newspapers wrote that the soldiers were confident and ready to roll. What the newspapers didn't write was...

On a windy spring day, with the temperatures flirting with being below freezing, sleepy children were bundled up by 4, 3 or 2 am and put into mini vans, SUVs and little Hondas and driven from 10 minutes to 5 hours to arrive at our little armory well before dawn. "Regular Army" families usually live close by to eachother, if not on base, but we are spread across the state. Many of the wives and families only know each other from email. Yet they feel a kinship as they gather with their soldiers, to hold them, or just be near, for a few moments more.

During the inevitable Hurry Up and Wait, sleepy children sit on ACU* covered laps or wear Dad's patrol cap. I could have taken memorable, poignant pictures, but this was their time, and I didn't want to intrude. I was glad the newspapers had only wanted to show up for the pomp and circumstance. The click of shutters now were personal - freezing a memory to hold on to for the rest of the deployment.

The buses were a little late and there were some mix ups about when to board. As a result, I got three hugs instead of just one. Time to board - hug. Ooops, no, de-board. Stand around and stomp your feet and try to warm up. Board again? Another hug. Oh, no, not yet. Third time's the charm. They all form up inside and snap to attention. Names are called and soldiers peal off from the lines and double-time to their bus. Their families follow them. I got a third hug. So much PDA** from my DH, I am almost laughing. So it takes the US Army and orders to deploy to get my DH to give me a hug or three in front of Others.

I stifle the laugh, though - other wives and family and children are crying. Some are trying not to, and some are letting the tears flow freely. I wonder why I am not crying. Ok, I know why I am not crying. Before I was an Army Wife, I married a Marine. And when he went to Iraq years ago, he said to just do him one favor: do not cry at the airport when it was time for him to leave. He didn't have to tell me this time. I'd be cheereful. I'd be strong. I'd be gracious. His insignia says he's "just an E4," but he's a good 2 decades older than the kids he's deploying with, and we were going to conduct ourselves with decorum. Yes, we are deep in the Army Hooah!, but I am reminded that it is the leather necked, jar-headed, bull dog Marine that caused me to be shivering in the early dawn.

I took care of some business in town and then spent the day with some of my kids and my granddaughter. Not time for tears or chocolate quite yet - that will come when they head over seas.

ACU - Current Army Uniform. I'm sure it has an official name, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now.

PDA - Public Display of Affection. It's almost as *gasp* horrible as using the L word in public.

PS I have started adding photos to some of the older posts.

Are we all Hooah! yet?

Today's Quote:

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.
-Abraham Lincoln

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Lesson Learned: Patience.

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Old Glory with Alcatraz in the background,
taken from the Hyde Street Pier, San Francisco, CA.

The PX at The Camp is much bigger than the one near our home, so DH was able to find useful things like - more parts to his uniform, some real Army PT (Physical Training) clothing and such. He and his footlocker hooked up, so he got some clean clothes, too, and a few creature comforts. A few good night's sleep in his Army bunk (a small place to call home), and he's sounding much less stressed.

They have changed his MOS (job description) again. Surprise. He is still playing with "big guns," though, so I am sure he is happy.

I have been pretty self-absorbed this weekend, working, working, working. I did get to take a day off in Sunny (yes, Sunny) San Francisco. Walked all over Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39, and The Hyde Street Pier. Sent DH a few post cards, but, of course, the Army changed his mailing address, even though he's still at the same camp. I'm learning not to stress out over these things. It's just the Army Way. At least the actual training part seems to be going well - they seem to be doing fine with the "get the bad guys" training and the "save your own/each other's necks" stuff - they are just not real strong on the administration side of things. Well, I guess that's what this shake down time period is for. I am sure we'll look back and laugh at this some day (or so we keep telling ourselves)!

Those of you who know DH know that he is the Strong, Silent, Type, so doesn't comm well. But, in a fit of amazing communications, he has called me at least once a day for non-Army related stuff since he has been gone. I know that will stop once they get really busy with training and go to wherever they are going, but I will enjoy the small blessings that I can while I can. It was going to Iraq that taught him how to use the telephone to call home, after all. Our kids all learned to use that device by the time they were 6 or 7, but DH took a few decades longer. Who knows what he might learn during this trek to the Middle East. Guess I should get him some phone cards...and maybe envelopes and paper? Do you think he could learn to write this time around? Ok, I'm not going to hold my breath over that one, but one can hope, yes?

Photo Op and Paperwork H*ll

Today's Quote: "The difference between the possible and the impossible lies in a person's determination."- Tommy Lasorda

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Lesson Learned: Keep your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised.

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I'm sure I'm just a tiny bit biased, but isn't he the most dashing guy in uniform that you ever did see?

So they bussed the soldiers over to somewhere else for paperwork and prep and other things before shipping them off to training... only, my DH is feeling like the FNG again - someone somewhere didn't do something and he's hanging out with no orders and no plane ticket to training. He's only got two uniforms as the rest of his stuff has already left weeks prior, and he's hanging out in a hotel for way more days than planned. (Well, at least he was able to shower every day!) They're telling him that he's not going to mob and deploy. They're telling him he is going to mob and deploy, but he's going to miss training - no big deal, he's prior service, right? They're telling him - well, at 4:30 a.m. they tell him to pack up because he's getting on a plane to go to training. Someone finally got a clue and said he could do his paperwork at training. As opposed to flying home, doing paperwork, and then flying out to training a week late. At least this way he ended up being only a few days late.

Can't really say anything bad about anyone, though - they are all volunteer "weekend warriors" and haven't really done this before. There's a lot going on and a lot of soldiers to process. Just happened that DH is FNG again. Or still. And, that's what this mobilization and training period is for - experience SNAFU now, then get act together, so there will be less SNAFU when the stuff hits the fan when they are deployed.

So that is all past now, and DH is running around with his unit again. And that's a good thing.

mob - mobilization: get a bunch of soldiers ready before deploying
deploy - leave the USA and be put on the chess board for the President
FNG - Messed Up New Guy*
SNAFU - Situation Normal, All Messed Up*

*Family version of words used. Substitute your favorite four letter word for something closer to the truth.

Chocolate!

Today's Quote: "Every noble work is at first impossible."Thomas Carlyle

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Lesson Learned: Chocolate cures almost everything!

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DH bought me a box of delightful Godiva chocolates. He did this last time, too. Each day, I ate one and only one, and thought of him and me and surviving his trip to the Middle East. By the time I had finished the box, I was through the first several weeks, had established a new rhythm to life, and had regrouped and re-engaged. So here I am, in the middle of the night, looking at the unopened golden box sitting on our headboard. The matching one from years ago hides in a box in the closet with letters from a far away land tucked in them. I am both looking forward to and dreading opening this new box.

(I am taking photos, but haven't had time to do anything useful with them. Eventually I will back post them.)

Busy, busy, busy!

Today's Quote: "Excellence is doing ordinary things extraordinarily well.” - John W. Gardner

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Lesson Learned: Busy is way better than "hurry up and wait."

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After the paperwork is done and you've lulled around doing the "hurry up and wait" thing for a bit, then there is another crazy, busy time. For me, activity is always better than sitting around. Besides always somehow getting in trouble when idle, I was just not born to be still. DH, either. So in the middle of packing, getting uniform issues squared away, he volunteered to help out with loading trucks for the unit. No pay, probably, but he doesn't mind, because, as he says, "It's the right thing to do." Sometimes I wish he weren't a man who actually acted on his convictions. There was a time, shortly after the Presidential Election, that I hoped he wouldn't want to serve under a President he didn't elect and down right disagrees with on just about every topic. But he says he didn't swear to serve only this President or that one - he swore to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America. Different deal. He cast his vote along with millions of others, and the President was chosen. He serves the Office, not the person, so to speak. So corny, I know, but true. . . . and then, of course, there is his macho image of himself!

Of course, The Right Thing is very often not the Easy or Comfortable Thing as our marriage keeps pointing out over and over again.

Paper work is mostly done and notarized. Not all of it appears to be posted to my DH's personal Army Web Portal, but I am assuming that the wheels of Army Administration will eventually get it posted. If not, then I am sure I will have to embarrass my DH and say something to someone. I seem to be that kind of person.

Uniforms!

Helmet = something to protect your thick noggin.

Today's Quote:

Friendship is a plant of slow growth and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington

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Lesson Learned: Your real friends will (lovingly) slap you upside the head when you need it!

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Suffice it to say that last week was not a great week on the emotional roller coaster. I leaned heavily on friends and family, and was definitely on the taking end of every relationship. I am so blessed to have these depths of resources. I am also reaching out to other wives and family in The Unit to see if I can stir up some friendships there, as I know I won't be able to do this next year without them. Maybe we can share each other's strengths. ... Thank you, Mizz A, for getting me out of my tizzy!

Of course, The Army doesn't really care about my little emotional upheavals - they continued to march on in all their Armyness. Part of DH's uniforms arrived - some parts actually fitting, but many parts being either too big, too small or the wrong "camo" pattern. So out of two big boxes of stuff, about one was usable... and still not enough items to actually dress for drill. Went in to town to the local Army Surplus and found some pants and a belt. Ordered another pair of pants, a patrol cap, beret and rank patches on-line. All in all, spent over $200 of our own (non-reimbursable) money to try and get him set up for drill. He's supposed to have a weeks worth of uniforms so he can just do laundry once a week. Well, he has a weeks worth of T-shirts and uniform tops, just no bottoms. Myself, I thought he should show up in his top, his undies and his boots, but DH didn't see the humor in that. I did get a sneak preview of how soldierly he will look in his uniform, though, as he dug through his boxes and tried things on (like a kid at Christmas). And, at least he got both his warm and cold weather boots, so he can start breaking them in. He wouldn't let me take a picture, though, as he needs a haircut and a shave, and he isn't shaving until the last minute. Heavens be that I might publish a picture of him in uniform looking scruffy - not at all the image he wants to project. Ah, well, probably a wife thinks scruffy looks cute, but he's probably right, The Army probably doesn't want to project that image.

In addition to some of his uniforms, he also got a big, black footlocker to store his stuff. Anything that goes in it will get shipped - anything else he has to carry on the bus/plane with him. He actually got some useful things to put in it - sleeping bag set up, canteens, goggles, helmet, poncho, water proof clothes bag, and other goodies. Well, he's at least starting to look like he's in the Army, now.

Other important Things to Get that were gotten: Bigger memory stick for PSP Personal Game System, a video camera and more music MP3s from www.amazon.com (unlike itunes or napster, you can put your amazon.com MP3s on any and all of your music devices... about a dollar a song).

Hooha! and carry on!

Stress and Resilience

Today's Quote: "In times of stress, be bold and valiant.” - Horace

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Lesson Learned: The Stress Management People did not marry into the Army.

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So I am cruising along at work today and they offer me a chance to participate in a very cool project – that will put me on travel the weekend after DH goes off for (in USA) training. I know, intellectually, I will have a great time when I am there, and it will actually probably be a great stress relief – I’ll be around friends, I’ll be engaged in something interesting and fun, I won’t have to sleep in my empty bed. But all I can think of today is: Oh, no, not another thing on my plate. So I took a short break from work and looked up stress and resiliency on the Internet.

I found http://www.apahelpcenter.org/dl/the_road_to_resilience.pdf
So, here are my 10 ways to build resilience

1. Make connections. They said: Good relationships with close family members, friends, or others is important. I say: Run and Hide! The one closest to me is the one driving me crazy. Know when NOT to make too many connections!

2. Avoid seeing crisis as insurmountable problems. They said: You can’t change the fact that highly stressful events happen, but you can change how you interpret and respond to them. Try looking beyond the present to how future circumstances may be a little better. I say: Just how far in the future do they want me to look?! A week? Nope, not getting better in a week. A month? Uhm, nope. Six months? Maybe. At least I’ll have practice and time under my belt at that point. A year? Nope. I don’t think he’ll be back in a year from now (although, with the Army, you never know). So, over a year before things get dramatically better. Hmmm, I don’t think the authors were thinking about that kind of time frame.

3. Accept that change is a part of living. They said: Certain goals may no longer be attainable as a result of adverse situations. I say: I’ll be damned if the Army is going to stop me from anything!

4. Move towards your goals. They said: Develop some realistic goals. Do something regularly – even if it seems like a small accomplishment – that enables me to move towards my goals. I say: Finally, something I can relate to! Goals, I have many goals and projects to work on.

5. Take decisive action. They said: Act on adverse situations as much as you can. I say: Ok, now listen up all you terrorists – it’s time to go home and find a good woman and make babies and stop blowing up and shooting at people. Then the Army can keep all their men and women at home, too. (Sorry, that’s kind of a sexist statement, but to my recollection, most of the terrorists are male…)

6. Look for opportunities for self discovery. They said: People often learn something about themselves … as a result of their struggle… I say: Heck, I’m almost Fifty – I know me well enough! I’ve done enough “tough things” in my life – being widowed being quite enough, thank you – I don’t want these Character Building events!

7. Nurture a positive view of yourself. They said: Developing confidence in your ability to solve problems and trusting your instincts helps build resilience. I say: Hello?! I’m a Systems Analyst and a System Administrator – If I didn’t already have lots of practice solving problems, they certainly wouldn’t be paying me this much. Really, I don’t need extra-curricula problem solving practice!

8. Keep things in perspective. They said: … try to consider the stressful situation in a broader context… I say: The Army is pretty doggoned broad. And if I use chocolate to help with that perspective, I’ll be pretty doggoned broad in a year.

9. Maintain a hopeful outlook. They said: An optimistic outlook enables you to expect good things will happen in your life. I say: I can’t argue with that one. I have lead an incredibly blessed life so far, so I am hopeful that it will continue in that fashion! I am thankful for family and friends and the kindness of strangers!

10. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings. I say: Well, that’s going to be challenging because my own needs and feelings are going to be several thousand miles away pretty soon. He better buy me one heck of a great, luscious box of chocolates before he leaves!

I found it interesting that they didn’t list HUMOR as one of the keys to resilience. For me, it is The Key to staying semi-sane and mostly functional. If I couldn’t find something silly or stupid to laugh about, I’d be totally sunk – luckily, the Army seems to be providing quite a bit of that – both on the home front and at work!

Sleep!

Today's Quote:

"A good battle plan that you act on today can be better than a perfect one tomorrow."- Gen George S. Patton

(I'm not sure how "inspirational" that quote is, but it is helping me battle this urge for perfection that keeps me bogged down in not accomplishing anything. After all, you can't argue with The General.)

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Lesson Learned: Just keep doing.

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Went to bed at 19:00 (7 pm) last night and slept all the way through until my alarm went off at 3:30 (3:30 am). I am actually feeling somewhat human!

Going out to dinner with a friend that I haven't seen in years - I think all together there will be 4 or 5 of us girls - and, I will be the baby among them. It'll be fun as L has recently returned from a trip to Italy, and I'm sure she will have lots of wonderful stories.

On the Army front, pieces of uniforms are trickling in. Maybe they will all be here when DH gets back in to town on Friday. Or not. I'm trying to just let the Army do it's thing without stressing over it.

I heard roomer that orders are being cut soon. I shall look at it as "just in time" (JIT) processing. Is it as cost effective and efficient as JIT inventory control? I have experience with JIT inventory control, and it saved a bunch of time and money for one of my former employers, but it was stressful when we first implemented it: we always worried if we would make the deadline.

Apparently DH's unit is not as famous as either the 82nd Airborne or the 1st Cavalry - it is impossible to find a T-shirt with their unit patch or crest on it! Since we are all Hooah (1)now, I thought it'd be nice to get him one. Well, maybe not. I did find the crest pin at some online uniform shop, but that's not really what I am looking for. I guess I could do custom graphics for a lot of money...oh, did I mention the cut in pay to activate with the ARNG? Custom T-shirt will have to wait (assuming, of course, I can find something that the T-shirt shop can use to create a design.)

Looking forward to hanging out with my eldest daughter tomorrow. She and my granddaughter are going to meet me after work and we are going to go shopping and out to a cheap dinner. It'll be lots of fun. I'm sure my granddaughter will con me into buying her something that she doesn't need!