One Night At A Time

“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” - Dag Hammarskjold

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Lessons Learned: There are things that are to be divulged only on a "Need to Know" bases.

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I know why I can't hold him.
I understand why he doesn't call.
I understand why I can't call him.
I understand why there are no emails.
I knew far in advance the loneliness I would endure, yet I agreed.
But knowledge and understanding do not stop the heart from bleeding
nor do they comfort a soul split in two.

But I will not breath a word of this to him. These words of a heart cut in two remain here, locked. And only my pillow shall see my tears. And deep in the dark, I will keep a candle burnings, so that when my soldier returns, there will be a fire to weld us back together again. And I will go on. And somewhere, on the other side of the world, I know my soldier does the same.

It isn't the USMC, but they are good to go

Today's Quote:

"Think positively and masterfully,
with confidence and faith,
and life becomes more secure,
more fraught with action,
richer in achievement and experience."
- Eddie Rickenbacker

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Lesson Learned: You really can do everything if you put your mind to it.

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In a few short months, our "Weekend Warriors" went from citizens whose lives only lightly touched each other, to a team. They found out what drives them crazy about each other and how to overcome that for The Mission. They found out what makes each other tick and how to use that to their advantage. My husband said it was good to see the "kids" growing up - but it was equally good to see him also maturing. He has little tolerance for BS and imperfection, yet I see him "going with the flow" and laughing about some of the absurdities of Army Life. He's doing something important, and he knows this, and to be a part of it, he's willing to put up with some BS.

As for me, I think I am regressing! I've heard ARNG wives who said that their kids regress when their Daddy is deployed. Well, I must be the kid! Acting out, temper tantrums, not eating, not sleeping, crying a lot! Sound like a 3 year old? Sounds like me! And just when I thought the parent in me was about done with the clingy, whiny 3 year old in me, I discovered MFLC. Military and Family Life Consultants - paid for by your tax dollars and mine and our soldier's butts on the line. These are highly trained counselors, and except for "reportable" issues such as child abuse or domestic violence, is NOT reported to The Dreaded Chain of Command. And it's FREE, FREE, FREE. So you are having marriage issues because your soldier is deployed (OK, that would be 100% of us, I'm guessing), and you want to find ways to communicate better - work with your own personal counselor - and no one need know. Not your soldier's commander, not your mother-in-law, nada! Need help learning how to be a "single parent" - there you go. Deployment have you just a weee bit frazzled? MFLC is the place to go. And then you don't have to act out in front of the commander's wife. (Ok, I didn't do that, and our commander's wife is awesome... still, you get the picture...)

So the soldiers are good to go and have boots down in the rocks and sands of the Middle East. And the families are marshaling their resources for a long year or so. And, mostly, I can believe we will be Just Fine. And I can believe that in the lazy afternoon... but try telling me that at 2 am when I wake up with my stomach in knots. You with boots on the ground, you know what I mean.

Bless our Troops and Those Who Wait for Them, for They Also Serve.

Books and People

Today's Quote:

"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."- George Bernard Shaw

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Lesson Learned: Keep learning, keep connecting.

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Some days I feel like I won't ever sleep again. The up-side of that is that I have been able to read several books in the middle of the night.

As You Were: To War and Back with the Black Hawk Battalion of the Virginia National Guard By Christian Davenport. This book tracks the experiences of several Virgina Guardsmen and their families as they prepare for deployment, deploy and return home. Perhaps you will see yourself in this book. And even if you don't, it is a testament to the strengths of the human soul and a person's ability to survive. Christian Davenport is a journalist, and the book reads like a documentary at times - but the stories are so human and the lost and found hopes and dreams are so powerful, that you can't help but be drawn into them. This is not a "preachy political book," although politics is brought up where appropriate and sensitively done. It is also not a "blood and gore" book, but he minces no words describing the soldiers' experiences. I recommend it.

The Book of Positive Quotations compiled and arranged by John Cook. I have used this book to find inspiration to write on the backs of envelopes and on packages sent to the Middle East since 2004. It is not a replacement for your Bible or other Spiritual Teaching book, but it does have the power to help brighten or better some one's day. Many of the quotes I use on this website come from this book.

I'm Already Home...Again: Keeping your family close while on assignment or deployment (2nd ed.) by Elain Gray Dumler. Filled with tips and tricks learned by military families of all service branches. They are organized by "deployment" stages, and many are geared to families with children. There are also poems sprinkled throughout that remind us why we do this. A good, quick, light read.

But books are merely books, and the most precious thing I have found is connecting with other spouses and significant others. Younger, older, "been there, done that" or not - they have all found a way to help keep me going. Like a Band of Sisters, we lean on each other when we need propping up and we "high five" when someone hears from their soldier. We commiserate that we are looking at a year or so of celibacy and we bake cookies together and tell heart-warming stories of our soldiers. (I know, I know, those of you who know me know I don't cook, but I have participated in some joint cookie baking ventures - yes, even me). Some of the ladies I know only through email, but to my delight and sanity, I have also met some motivated and loving women in person. Reach out and touch someone. It's been a little tougher as we don't have a strong FRG system in place, but we are making our way. The Minute Men gathered together before This Great Nation was born, so we are part of a long tradition of women standing behind their Citizen Soldiers. That helps, too.

Major Changes

Today's Quote:

To have a reason to get up in the morning, it is necessary to posses a guiding principle. A belief of some kind. A bumper sticker, if you will. - Judith Guest

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Lesson Learned: For every thing, there is a season.

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The soldiers went to training, came home on leave and then left for the Middle East. A time of change and transition. And a time to "be in the moment." Now, a month later, when events are no longer "OpSec" and a routine is taking shape, now I can look back and reflect on the last weeks.

I know my DH hides The Truth from me. At least for the most part. He described training at the JMTC (Joint Maneuver Training Center) like how a teen-age son would describe summer camp - great swimming pool, rained too much, but still enjoyed running around in the mud - oh, and yes, enjoyed qualifying on the various weapons, too. But he's not too clever. Every now and then he let slip a comment such as, "Yeah, we're all pretty serious about the 'Combat Lifesaver Course.'" OK, I'm glad they were all serious about it. But it reminded me that yes, they were preparing to enter a War Zone. Where people die. I try to delude myself as much as he tries to hide The Truth from me, but sometimes that's an impossibility.

So they practiced with their weapons and gave each other IV's and my DH called home and said that "all is well" and "of course you know I like this stuff." Of course you do. You never did get over being a Marine. And you never did get over that you were never called to deploy. To me, being willing and able was enough, but not for you. So here we are, with you newly deployed to the Middle East. And me, my "bumper sticker" is now: Army Wife - Proud And Strong.

I am now becoming intimate with an AR15 rifle

Today's Quote: "I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma." ~Eartha Kitt

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Lesson Learned: A woman loves to shop, weather for clothes or parts for an AR15.

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Who would have thought that I would become initimately familiar with the various sling adapter designs out there on the market? Or would come to know what type of tactical latches could give you an advantage in a fire-fight. I can't "field strip one" with my eyes closed, but I can recongnize many of it's components by sight, now. Certainly this was not on my list of Things To Learn when I married my DH 20 some odd years ago. But the decisions you make in your youth somehow have a way of catching up to you. I married a young, idealistic, intense, but peace-time Marine. Which means that I am now married to a more mature, more realistic (but still idealistic), even more focused and intense ARNG Soldier; one who is soon to be deep, deep in the Hooah! going on in the Middle East. ... So, he's training and studying and asked me to go shopping for him. So what can a woman do? I can't help him train or study (in fact, I'm probably a distraction to that stuff) - but I can shop. I also rifled through his parts case here at home and now have a little care package with some black metal pieces all good to go. I send them with a little prayer * that they will give my DH some advantage to help him and his Battle Buddies stay alive.

* Yes, I am not particularly religious, but as the "leave the USA" date draws nearer, I am thinking it probably isn't a bad idea to hedge my bets.

Letter Under My Pillow

Today's Quote:

Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be." - George Sheehan

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Lesson Learned: Miracles still occur, although sometimes you have to help them along.

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Letters in a chocolate box from 2004

I got a letter from DH yesterday - whoohooo! I instantly recognized the writing on the envelope - MINE! You didn't think DH was going to write to me if I didn't send him a self addressed, stamped envelope, a blank piece of paper and strict orders to "write something to your wife," did you? I understand there may be a post card soon, too - also self addressed and pre-stamped. It's a miracle I've gotten anything from him - even if I have to help the miracle along a bit!

Training at Camp XYZ is going well. He's brand new to the unit, but he has found some motivated guys to hang out with (when they aren't working 10-16 hour days). He's got bottoms for his uniform, a spare helmet and other goodies, now, so he's starting to be all Hooah! I went on line and ordered him all kinds of stuff - another pair of boots, a "sling" for his rifle, fancy cleaning kit, and such. Total spent on stuff to make his life better in the Army so far: +$400. I'm keeping all the receipts. I hope it ends up tax deductible, somehow.

Took care of a bunch of little stuff this week. Got his 401(k) from his former employer rolled over. Got my ID card and DEERs straightened out. Guess I'm spending the next year with my ID card, Power of Attorney (POA) and Orders. Word to the wise - keep many copies of the POA and Orders with you at all times - you will need to give copies (or at least show copies) to anyone and everyone every time you want to say "boo!" to the Army. Boo!

One of my sweet and silly and totally non-military girl friends bought me the "Complete First Season of Army Wives" (the TV show) on DVD. (Thank you!) She said to eat chocolate and enjoy. I am thinking I better slow down on the chocolate or I'm going to gain some serious weight. I haven't gained any weight yet, but I am well over 40 with a predisposition to roundness, so I do have to pay attention. Especially since I have a major Taco Bell addiction.

Places where Army Dudes go shopping

• La Rue Tactical
  
• Brigade QM
  
• Yankee Hill Machine Co.
  
• The Supply Sergeant
  
• Amazon.com
  

Flashback

Today's Quote: "Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire." ~ François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

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Lesson Learned: The body remembers.

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Woke up this morning curled up and wrapped around my cell phone. The fact that I sleep with my cell phone is not unusual - I am on call and first line of escalation at work - but I don't normally sleep wrapped around it, with it held tight against my heart. But I recognize this symptom - and I'm sure every wife of a deployed military man does, too - the phone becomes your connection to your man - and for the length of the deployment, you it will go everywhere with you. And it will not just go to the store with you, or sit on your night stand. It will sit on the sink while you wash dishes, follow you into the ladies' room, watch you bathe, and pull weeds in the garden with you (pulling weeds is good therapy, by the way)... So, I guess, my body decided in the night some time, that This Is The Beginning. I had forgotten this feeling of waking up wrapped around my cell phone - but when I woke this morning, it was all too familiar. It's been 5 years since DH was in Iraq - but my body remembered what to do, even though I had forgotten.

If nothing else gets paid on time, the cell phone will.

Books to Read... or not.

Today's Quote: "All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." -Galileo Galilei

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Lesson Learned: I wish I were an "ignorance is bliss" person.

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Sleep has eluded me on many accounts this week. The upside is that I have read several books. Two of which, although very different, concern our military and wars in the Middle East.

The first book I read is Soft Spots by Cliff Van Winkle. It is mesmerising, well written and raw. I could not put it down - I read it in one sitting, it had such a hold on me. Do not read it if you have a loved one either deployed or about to deploy "down range." It will tear your heart out and make you fear things other than IEDs and sniper bullets.

The second is I Love A Man In Uniform:A Memoir of Love, War, and Other Battles. Not your ordinary Amy Officer's Wife. Plain-spoken, sometimes funny, sometimes tragic, often blunt and occasionally graphic. It wasn't all all what I expected, but was a good read, none the less. And from my very limited Army Wife perspective, it rings true.

Neither of these are children's books. They are both well above the PG13 level. You need a strong gut, and tough heart and an affinity for four letter words to not be offended by them. But if you can get beyond that, then there are two powerful stories of broken souls and how they successfully clawed their way to some kind of peace with themselves and their maker. Like a memoir of a drug addict that I read some time ago (A Million Little Pieces by James Frey), they are not for the feint of heart. If you can stomach the delivery method, there is much to learn from all three of these books about life on the bleeding edge. and the courage of those who survive to deal with the fall out.

White Knights and Cowboys

Today's Quote: "In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."-Hans Nouwens

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Lesson Learned: Maybe it was destiny.

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The Cowboy In Me
Recorded by Tim McGraw

I don't know why I act the way I do
Like I ain't got a single thing to lose
Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

I got a life that most would love to have
But sometimes I still wake up fightin' mad
At where this road I'm heading down might lead
I guess thats just the cowboy in me

The urge to run, the restlessness
The heart of stone I sometimes get
The things I've done for foolish pride
The me that's never satisfied
The face thats in the mirror when I don't like what I see
I guess that's just the cowboy in me

Girl I know there's times you must have thought
There ain't a line you've drawn I haven't crossed
But you set your mind to see this love on through
I guess that's just the cowboy in you

We ride and never worry about the fall
I guess that's just the cowboy in us all

When I was a very little girl, my Mom taught us the US Marine Corps Hymn. When I was a bit older, we saw the USMC band, live and in person. When I learned to drive, I would meet her for lunch at the base where she worked (as a civilian) and would watch the young Marines in their red shorts running around together singing cadence. In between times, again, starting pretty young, I dreamed of farms and ranches and horses and cowboys and the open range. Maybe I watched too many John Wayne westerns. As a young woman, I moved to cowboy country and attended rodeos. I listened to country music. And found me a pickup truck driving, young Marine to sweep me off my feet. The last of the Templar Knights. And after 20 years, now he rides with the Army Cavalry. Could one have predicted?

Time for Good-Bye for a while

Today's Quote: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do."- Mark Twain

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Lesson Learned: The newspapers don't tell the whole story.

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(I know this entry is out of order, but I wanted to make sure that sufficient time had passed so as not to let on exactly when the soldiers were on the road. It's kind of frustrating to not say things when they are happening, because I am so proud of my DH and his unit and I want to shout it to the world. But I'd rather be paranoid and safe, than sorry.)

The newspapers wrote that the soldiers were all sharp and good looking at the ceremonies: our State's Finest Young Men. The newspapers wrote that the soldiers were confident and ready to roll. What the newspapers didn't write was...

On a windy spring day, with the temperatures flirting with being below freezing, sleepy children were bundled up by 4, 3 or 2 am and put into mini vans, SUVs and little Hondas and driven from 10 minutes to 5 hours to arrive at our little armory well before dawn. "Regular Army" families usually live close by to eachother, if not on base, but we are spread across the state. Many of the wives and families only know each other from email. Yet they feel a kinship as they gather with their soldiers, to hold them, or just be near, for a few moments more.

During the inevitable Hurry Up and Wait, sleepy children sit on ACU* covered laps or wear Dad's patrol cap. I could have taken memorable, poignant pictures, but this was their time, and I didn't want to intrude. I was glad the newspapers had only wanted to show up for the pomp and circumstance. The click of shutters now were personal - freezing a memory to hold on to for the rest of the deployment.

The buses were a little late and there were some mix ups about when to board. As a result, I got three hugs instead of just one. Time to board - hug. Ooops, no, de-board. Stand around and stomp your feet and try to warm up. Board again? Another hug. Oh, no, not yet. Third time's the charm. They all form up inside and snap to attention. Names are called and soldiers peal off from the lines and double-time to their bus. Their families follow them. I got a third hug. So much PDA** from my DH, I am almost laughing. So it takes the US Army and orders to deploy to get my DH to give me a hug or three in front of Others.

I stifle the laugh, though - other wives and family and children are crying. Some are trying not to, and some are letting the tears flow freely. I wonder why I am not crying. Ok, I know why I am not crying. Before I was an Army Wife, I married a Marine. And when he went to Iraq years ago, he said to just do him one favor: do not cry at the airport when it was time for him to leave. He didn't have to tell me this time. I'd be cheereful. I'd be strong. I'd be gracious. His insignia says he's "just an E4," but he's a good 2 decades older than the kids he's deploying with, and we were going to conduct ourselves with decorum. Yes, we are deep in the Army Hooah!, but I am reminded that it is the leather necked, jar-headed, bull dog Marine that caused me to be shivering in the early dawn.

I took care of some business in town and then spent the day with some of my kids and my granddaughter. Not time for tears or chocolate quite yet - that will come when they head over seas.

ACU - Current Army Uniform. I'm sure it has an official name, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now.

PDA - Public Display of Affection. It's almost as *gasp* horrible as using the L word in public.

PS I have started adding photos to some of the older posts.